You know, sometimes it just sucks being a hormonal twenty-five year old who has never been kissed. Learning anything to do with relationships or the process of such is infuriatingly difficult. Primarily because of myself.
I tend to put myself in the worst situations as possible. Some would call it brave, but others would call it complete and utter stupidity. I, myself, believe in the latter.
The moment someone of the opposite sex just vaguely participates in the act of flirting, my immediate thoughts are sent up the track to the part of my brain that overreacts. [And, let me tell you, that's a large part of my brain]. They like me. They're interested. There's no way they couldn't be, right? Ok. Let's give it a go and flirt back.
Nope.
I begin to push, to prod, to bother, to bug, to dream and create impractical scenarios, and ultimately push said object of affection to the farthest corner of the universe, make a fool of myself, or disappoint myself to the point of breakdown.
You say to yourself, "Get over it. You're not in high school anymore. Grow up."
And I could not agree more. I can't keep using my clinically diagnosed depression or severe anxiety disorder as an excuse. But unless you experience my thought process and how depression or anxiety affect you, you don't really understand. And that's fine.
I am no longer a twenty-five year old that's never been kissed. And yet I'm still so unhappy...
Everyone deserves a chance. Even me. You cannot allow yourself to dwell on someone who will probably never love you back. No matter how many people you sleep with while you wait, it's not going to make you happy. In fact, it's poisonous. Your self-esteem will continue to plummet until you're curled up in the fetal position under a bench in King's Cross Train Station, looking like the shriveled up mass of 1/7 of Voldemort's soul.
And yes; it always comes back to Harry Potter.
I'm feeling a little better now. Also, long time no post. Perhaps I'll be back soon...
Nox.
P.S. This wasn't to upset or anger anyone in particular. I just had to share how I feel. I, myself, am not angry with anyone but myself. :)
